Restless Soul. Dislocated Heart. Unmendable love.

Photo by Rose @Bellevue, Switzerland 2020

I decided to congregate, if not all, what I had been traversing at the cellular level of human (soul) experiences into one, compounded, and just a bit stretched title. A chunk of restlessness, prolonged tunneling of displacement, and some cascade of undescribable nuances occupied the heart of my heart as if unfettered inner flames that never burnt off.

I wrestled with being involuntarily targeted by others’ chit-chats while pretending to be cool in front of the lips and stares that are really not that matter. Maybe it was at the moment, but really? Epictetus (c55–135CE) once wrote: ‘It is not events that disturb people, but their judgments concerning them.’ It is more evident to take the imaginative leap by inviting an “awake awareness” to our entangled networks of power-packed believing eyes from within. Remember to trust the soul energy, dig deeply, and turn inward. Take a breath and ask, “What is my internal landscape right now? What emotions, thoughts, or stories are present?” Noble intention does not always translate successfully or can be received well into the language of love and care. That’s why conflicts or hidden turbulent start to take root in the conditioned perceptual black hole that is limitlessly warped, cold, and unbreathable. However, by tuning in to the inner guide and heart wisdom, we discern life’s magnificent gift of teeming with seeing the unseeable, reaching the unreachable, and listening to the unlistenable with present-moment awareness—light up what has uplifted the spirit and the mind while releasing the abundant flow of glowing energy from the Universe.

I was nowhere mobilizing my ‘engineered attention span’ into a proper amount of self-regulatory response to feeling quenched inside. In the 24-hour news cycle, there is always something, something from somewhere trying to tie up the appetite for something wow-worthy, for some purpose that only somebodies know. I still cannot help but fixate on my untamed inner pull for the sake of understanding; even indeed, they are none of my business. In stillness, an unleashed stream of breaking free of the wall of silence piercing through the stone stove seethed fluctuations, over and over. In fermentation, I bow down and pray for peace and for guidance, again and again.

On the darkest night, I see you in my dreams; I see your bravery and your unbeatable drive fueled by restlessness and the wild, wild wild-fire in your belly. I heard your unmoved lips say that I am loved, and I soothed myself, but when I turned on my side, I felt you gently whispering that said into my ear, be with God, and He will guide us through, and we will make it even a long, long, long meandering road ahead, we both will be alright. Our souls see eye to eye as if we are One marching to the beat of our heartstrings. I know you would be glad our souls once walked together for a brief stroll. If my heart had its own arms and legs, I quietly pondered, would they still relentlessly run and nestled into yours?

While at the corner of my sight for those gazillions of tabs, I felt uneased to awake them. Let them dormant to reinvigorate my own sense of fulfillment. I ran out of steam to go through each but rather throw them all together on my reading list, a bustling, hollow cave that never ceases its imaginal powers. Painstakingly, I know that perhaps what I can do the least, if not all, is to do the best to manage my ever-malleable tolerance and follow the Spirited Northstar that already existed within me. Priorities dissolved in the confluence of ‘catching-me-or-if-you-will-lose-it’ fragmented information. I have no taste for befriending fabricated algorithms of artificially fused dis-orientation. My internal GPS for soul calling is not convinced of the hush-hush plethora of aimless directions (aka internal noises), at least not yet deft enough to be accustomed to, and probably would not even bother. Yet, deep down, I (eye) still care.

When stepping into nature, I feel free to be me again. How will I let my soul sing to disentangle my own shell and be with it a tad longer? No tried-and-true remedies would automatically heal unattended wounds. Feeling so(ul) alone, even the deepest of my soft tissue tingled in the valley of my heart. Where is the fierce nature of my soul heading? What is my renewed sense of soul’s purpose, and what makes it possible to bring it safely home? It got lost for a while, oh, no, no, it wandered and sought its way home when re-discovering its unique energetic path into the immediacy relations with Life itself. Surrendering into the divine timeline that is much bigger than I know reveals that I will be arriving when the time comes. Nature nurtures. As my head began to drop into my heart, landing on the frequencies of my Cosmic temple, my only ecopoiesis that embodies the galactic wholeness of my true essence, I would be forever in love, to love, and be loved.